She was so happy to see me...running toward me as if I was the light of her world. I remember how my heart warmed to see my beautiful little girl that day and so many day. I did all the things for my daughter and my son that had never been done for me.
I told her truthfully that being that she had been so disrespectful to me during her teen years and that we hadn't gotten along very well, I just could not handle any more stress in my life and I did not think it good she move back home. My heart went out to them and I wanted to do all I could to give them a safe, dependable, loving life.I hugged them and told them I loved them everyday because my parents never did that for me. Thinking back, I realize now I must have not been there for my daughter completely with all of this on my mind. He had been my first boyfriend and we never had a real partnership or intimacy.I could go on and on about all the things I did that I thought were being a good mother. Seeing my sister die at only 35, the sober reality of how short life really is hit me in the face like cold water. She once told me during a particularly hard time in High School "If it weren't for Joe, I'd be on drugs or pregnant." I was so happy that he took delight in listening to all of her teenage problems, give her counsel and advice.I started having financial problems trying to raise them on a teacher's salary.My daughter, now a young adult, had moved out and gotten hooked up with a boyfriend involved with drugs.I feel I have failed at something more important than anything else in life, motherhood. I didn't want my kids to have a drunken mother and I was the only one of my four siblings that did not succumb to alcoholism. I know she was only 9 years old when my sister died at age 35 with 3 small children. Sometimes I feel: "My daughter would rather it was me that died as little as she cares for me." When my sister died, I know I had a lot of grief and a lot of fear because the cancer that killed her runs in families and the doctors were treating me like I was a cancer waiting to happen.